Breathe In, Breathe Out

I found out today that there will be 30 children in our class, 8 of which are known to be very big troublemakers. (example: I was told to expect one of them to say things to me such as "shut the f*** up b****", among other sweet nothings. This same child, when told to do something, often apparently says "I'm not going to do that s***". he's four years old. four.) They put all the really difficult ones in our class because the teacher I work with has the most experience. I am trying hard not to be angry about this - to not start the year with the attitude that it is too much to handle and lost before it is begun.

I am, to put it mildly, terrified. I am abso-freakin-lutely terrified. My prayer is that this year doesn't make me want to leave teaching. My prayer is that it reaffirms my belief that these children, more than just about any others, desperately need love, encouragement, and the opportunity to succeed, and I might be able to help offer this to them. But oh. my. gosh. I am freaked out.

In order for this year to be anything other than a constant struggle, I need to be positive. I need to have a sense of humor. I need to be hopeful. I'm guessing I will often use this blog space as a forum in which to encourage myself. Hopefully that won't get tedious.

I also have to just keep reminding myself - they're FOUR YEAR OLDS. I shouldn't be terrified of a roomfull of FOUR YEAR OLDS.

Breathe.

PS - and this is an important PS - I do not at all question whether or not I should have taken this job. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am in the right place....that there is no where else on earth that I should be, and no people that it is more important for me to be spending my time with than these 30 four-year-olds. The reason for my confidence is my faith in God and my knowledge - gained from some serious heartache and struggle through which he led me and from which he ultimately delivered me - that he is working in my life and moving in my heart in order to make me someone who can love him - and, therefore, others - well. It's important for me to add this because I realize I don't often talk about my faith, but I don't think you can understand what I'm doing or how I'm feeling about it without being aware of this.

It's amazing what faith can do. I have no idea how I'd be handling any of this without it. To bad it's taken me 30 years to get to this point. Life would have been so much easier over the past 10 years if I had realized this stuff. But then again, I probably never would have realized it if those years hadn't been what they were.