Losing Perspective

I was thinking today about how different my life is when I don't see the kids every day. Camp ended August 10, and since then I have been working in the office and not seeing the children regularly at all - probably once a week, for a couple of hours. As a result, I have not been thinking about them as much. My mind has been on other things - most notably, myself.

For the past few days I have been struggling a lot with anxiety, insecurity, and basic unrest. I was in the middle of writing an e-mail to a friend when I realized that the words I was writing and the thoughts I was thinking were terribly self-centered. I've been obsessing about myself - the way I look, if my boss thinks I'm smart, what this guy I like thinks of me, etc, etc.

When I'm with the children regularly, I don't think so much about myself. Their joy and energy, as well as their needs, occupy a position above my own. I am not claiming to be a martyr, sacrificing my needs and comforts in order to meet the needs of others. Hopefully, I would be willing to do this, but usually I feel like the situation is quite the opposite - it is the kids who are serving me (even if they don't know it - and I'm pretty sure they don't). The result of the outward-looking mentality I have when I am with them is a deep calmness and an easing of stress - it is not a burden on me, but serves, rather, to lift my burdens. The thing that I find heavy and difficult to carry is my self-centeredness.

So....I'm really looking forward to programs starting on Monday. I'm praying, and I'm confident, that things will once again be put in perspective. It's become pretty clear to me through this experience that I'm an incredibly stubborn and forgetful person, who needs nearly constant reminding that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is an actual, present reality. This is what my kids offer me, and it is why, I'm positive, I have been led to this life. Without it, I'd get lost in my own head, unable to see the depth and beauty of God's love for his creation.

Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my (Jesus') name welcomes me.

Matthew 18:4-5